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1000 Awful Things: #988 Public Apple Eaters

November 12, 2009 Leave a comment

You know the sound. You probably even cringed when you saw the picture. Awful Thing #988 is truly awful; the sound of someone eating an apple.

It is very difficult to describe the sound. How can a solid food somehow manage to be slurped while being crunched? Somehow, the sound that is projected, at seemingly 100 decibels, can only be established as a cross between a piece of paper getting torn in half while someone slurps the bottom of a milkshake and simultaneously crunches into a gigantic carrot. And the worst part? There is no proper way to eat an apple to avoid this sound. My advice, eat in private.

Awful.

Inspired by: M

Image courtesy of: here

1000 Awful Things: #990 When Things Lose Their Novelty

November 4, 2009 Leave a comment

I know there is basically no way to make post without sounding like this guy, but here it goes.

How disappointing is it when you come home with that new shiny MUST HAVE item? You bring home your first big screen TV. Those 46 inches are a solid 26 more than your previous TV. DOUBLE’D! This will be the TV of your dreams for all your life.

Flash forward 6 months later. You see that same TV on sale for $400 less and all you can think about is “man, I could have easily go for 52 inches”. You still love it but you think you could have just gone a little bigger.

Oh well, at least you still have that brand new computer you just bought. It was top of the line! It will be the best for a long time to come…

Awful.

image courtesy of: here

1000 Awful Things: #991 The Pavement Princess

October 26, 2009 Leave a comment

Urban Dictionary defines the Pavement Princess as “A badass 4×4 truck that is usually lifted with huge tires (over 33″) who’s owner is too much of a pussy to take off road.”

Basically, the owners of this type of car are typically of the high school and college age who come from a great deal of money. Rather than flaunt the owner’s affluence by purchasing a sports car the Pavement Princess owner tries to prove his or her love for Southern Heritage.

A Pavement Princess owner screams “I may have money, but I am a redneck just like you!”. This person has likely never taken the truck off-road, as that might get the new chrome exhausts oh-so-dirty!

If the rich in America are spending their money to appear more redneck then this country is doomed.

Awful.

1000 Awful Things: #992 The Scenic Route

October 22, 2009 Leave a comment

America The Beautiful. The majestic Southwest. The homey Southeast. The enchanting North. The… plains?

This Awful Thing comes with a story!

I have been asked to travel with a colleague and assist him with some business related matters. The trip is roughly an eight hour drive and the route is less of The Purple Mountains and unfortunately more of The Waves of Grain. So as I immediately began my pursuit to fly the Spacious Skies, said colleague informs me that he has decided he would like to drive.

Ugh.

You see, I am the young, fresh face in the office. And this particular colleague has decided this will be a perfect opportunity to get to know me. For eight hours. Each way. He claims the drive is particularly gorgeous. I guess he hasn’t traveled anywhere, ever. The main excuse for driving over flying is, of course, the airport theory but I could tell the actual motive is that he is actually looking forward to spending time with me.

This would be fine with me, almost flattering, except for the fact that I cannot stand this person and he cannot better my career in any way. Of course, he left the option of me flying on my own but I don’t think I can stand to see his crushed expression when I tell him I am not interested.

So I will be stuck with this man. Locked in a tin can for 16 total hours. I have no doubt we will run out of things to talk about after about 1, and listening to headphones is rude.

Awful.

1000 Awful Things: #993 The Airport Theory

October 22, 2009 1 comment

I am the type of person who loves technology. I always have to own the newest, greatest, and fastest. Sure, I get nostalgic for “the way things were” but never to the point where I would want to revert back. This is why the following comment drives me so crazy:

“By the time we deal with the airport, have a layover, and rent a car, it will be about the same length of time as if we drove. So we might as well just drive.”

I will give you most of that. You are correct in that the duration of the two events may be similar. However, 6 hours by plane and 6 hours by car are in no way equal.

In a car, you are suppressed into a small vehicle in which there is absolutely no room for movement unless the car is stopped, in which case time is lost. You are driving somewhere with a friend/collegue. You need to pee, he doesn’t. Too bad, guess you are both making a stop. He’s hungry, you’re not. Whelp, might as well find some room in that stomach because ingestion is happening now.

By plane, everything is different. Restroom break? Either in the plane or waiting in the airport, get up and go. Hungry? Just go find something to eat (I realize this is a little harder while actually ON a plane but there are snacks). Want to work on your blog? Just whip out your laptop and recharge it between flights. The best benefit? If you are not a huge fan of the person you are traveling with, the airline could have “accidentally” moved your seat to a completely different spot on the plane.

Now, before I get all the hate. I am obviously taking money out of the equation here. Clearly it is cheaper to drive. However if money is not a concern (corporate travel) then flying is always the better alternative. If I just got asked to drive somewhere 4 hours for work, the first thing I will do is see the airline possibilities and will gauge how long I’m willing to devote to travel.

Phew, that was a long one, but it is most definitely:

Awful.

1000 Awful Things: #994 Eating While Walking

October 16, 2009 Leave a comment

Hey there, tubbo. I know those fries smell absolutely amazing. I know that doughnut is just begging for a bite. However, in a world of self-loathing and low esteem, do you not realize how much of a fatty it makes you look like when you start stuffing your face before you even make it to the table?

Even worse is when I have to travel past you just in time to see the too-delicious-to-wait come dribbling out of your mouth as you try to catch the crumbs by bringing the plate up to your face while trying to look ahead.

It is another 20 feet, heffer. That first bite can wait.

Awful.

1000 Awful Things: #995 Ironing Pants

June 23, 2009 2 comments

Probably the easiest way to identify a slob is by the status of the pants. If a regular pair of khaki dress pants looks like corduroy, then there is a good chance the owner has given up on looking presentable. Unfortunately, achieving the desired pressed look is nearly impossible.

My question to the world is: dry cleaners, how do they do it? The crease in my pants legs has probably 6 or 7 different lines from the inability to perfectly align the legs each time. Additionally, finally pressing one leg probably means I just ironed in another crease into another. The perfect pants iron is nearly impossible without purchasing something like this. Maybe next time, iron man.

Awful.